what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
