I think I died a long time ago.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Randomize
