I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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