went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize