I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
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