oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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