Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
