How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize