I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
im on a boat
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