the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
