when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
