I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
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