I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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