went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize