So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
