Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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