But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
