Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
