plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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