Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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