This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
