i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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