erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
