Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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