Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
The best revenge is premature balding
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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