just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
