FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
