The beer is more important than you right now.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
