Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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