I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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