Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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