Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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