You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
