Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
