I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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