Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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