You're so nebulous sometimes
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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