I think I died a long time ago.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
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