i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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