Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
