And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
