are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Randomize
