How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
