She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
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I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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