whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
