Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
did you just send me my own nude
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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