I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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