I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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