I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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