Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Randomize
