What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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