i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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