She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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