your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
