got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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